I meditate a couple times a day. I have experienced fear from my shadow covered my heart since September 7 when it has just after receiving your email and followed your 7 step and tried construct protections. The fear is my future after loosing everything and regret for the mistake I made. All were negativity. I knew I must ground them during meditation. However, the fear was so strong and I nearly collapsed. To my mortification, I couldn't sleep, cried at work, visited a doctor for anti-depression pills, smoked cigarette and sat on the bench in the park for a while. The fear totally controlled my thought, mood and mind. It was a nice sunny afternoon. The sun was shining on my cheek drying my tears. Then, I felt I got something which was very close to death. I lost both parents last year and I am losing my daughter. But this death I felt was not grief. It was a light-weighted feather. It was emptiness. I was seeing the scenery before me and hearing the surround. That's it. I went home and had a cat nap, thanks God, I felt sleepy which I had not felt for a week. Then, I had a lucid dream, where I knew I was in my dream. Suddenly, I saw my boots on the concrete, then I witnessed my boots jumped from the top of the building. Then I was floating in the air, not dropping. Then I woke up. I felt good, there was no fear in my heart which stayed for a month. A thought came into my mind, which is that I will focus on the moment from now, focus on the things what I have now. I enjoy the moment without thinking about the past or the future. Then it won't work, I will jump from the building. It is a reset of my life. Now I will live and fulfil the rest of my life even if it costs me my life. Then attachments I hold, which might be the fear and the regret. have gone. However, they came back bit by bit. Therefore, I have meditated and ground them whenever they came back to my heart till September 11th.
On September 11 at night, I had a dream, where my parents who passed away last year came into my lucid dream. They live with me in the modern flat I've never lived. They looked happy, but again I knew this is my dream. I asked them what were you doing, you must be in the heaven. They were listening to me, my father prepared his meal while smiling. My mother said to me that I didn't stop divorcing. I felt a small stone dropped in my chest and I answered it was too late, I passed a proposal to the court. When I woke up I felt fear covered in my heart chakra. I meditated to clear the fear.
On September 12 at night, I meditated, but failed, less focus. Grounding negativities. That's it. In the morning, fear came back.
On September 13 to 14, I had an amazing meditation at night. I met myself in the past life. She was a pythoness in a shrine built by crystals. She scanned all my chakras and spine, then cut my head and scanned my brane. There are some blockage to influence my thoughts. She burned all blockages and I felt nothing. Then we sit down facing each other and meditated. We are floating in the air in the shrine of crystal. Our chakra was united and we were united. Then, I was back to my heart chakra where there was a green grass gate along the river, with my united myself from the past life, maybe she is my higher self. We meditated together. The river breeze swaying the willow branches in grace through the green gate touched our cheeks. When I touched the river flowing my toes, ice melted somewhere in the core of my heart chakra. Then, the door to the deep bottom opened. I went down with my higher self and our breathing have temperature as the warm melting point instantly awakened my sense of colours. The deep bottom of my heart got colours and we found our inner child. She was a little girl.
I opened my eyes and looked at my mobile. It was 4:44. I fell down to sleep.
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